Yann with Ayahuasca

Today i feel i realised something. It’s still sinking in as i type, mind you.

Today, i realised that making love, sex, is not intended to be first & foremost a physical experience, but a spiritual one. We’ve all read things like this before. But right now, i am feeling it. As many of you reading will know, there is a tremendous difference between “knowing” and ‘knowing’. The latter means to feel, really, while the former is mind, a thought…a guess, at best. We think we know…until we’ve felt it, and then we know.

The first taste of this i got was on December 5, 2015, my first Bufo Alvarius experience. You can read about that here on this blog if you like. In that experience, i got to feel judgement. I realised then, through feeling it, its volatile existence, merely in my mind, substance-less, not even smoke, just a mind illusion. One more.

Think of it: where is judgement? Can you point at it in the room? Where did it come from? How does it get here? And where is that?

But back to our topic : how making love is not supposed to be about anything physical, but rather first & foremost an act of Spiritual Union. A Sacred Cosmic Union, of Feminine and Masculine.

I am losing a woman of special importance to me.
We met around Christmas, she was living in this house and made it a home. She spread her femininity in light, flowers, esthetic, and…union. We came together with her.

She embraced me on my sofa, and told me to just feel.

Calm your sexual energy, and feel, she simply said, that was all. And she let me do it.

And so i did.

At that moment, i knew something really important was happening in my life. I felt her feminine Presence, her touch, her warmth, her Love. She is a mother, a woman, and also a little girl. In that moment, she was probably a mix of the woman & mother. She let me be with her, as i had never been with a woman before. I felt.

The heart opened at that moment. A decision to love was made. And, to me, maybe this will be attachment speaking, a Sacred Union was born. Something that time could not turn back. You know, when you open a door and see something you cannot unsee? Well, this was something i could not unfeel.

I imagine that what this was, was the inner child experiencing connection with the mother again. And, because my biggest trauma is abandonment, she left. Again and again. There’s more to that, but maybe not our topic for today.

You don’t make love to a woman, you make love with her.

You both meet half way, and the meeting point is a melting point : man disappears into woman, and woman receives man inside her, both become identical, and also just One at the same time. The differences between man & woman disappear, as their genitals embrace each other perfectly, like Yin & Yang. No, i won’t make the pun.

Is it wishful thinking to wish that i will never make love with another woman?

Is it wishful thinking to wish that i will hold only her?

How can i breathe her breath again?

How can i smell her?

How can i get her close again?

Making love with her has been an experience like no other. From almost the beginning, things took an energetic turn.

As i was paying huge attention to deep slow breathing, we made love in the bathroom. I was able to last & last & last, i was in perfect control of that energy, like nothing i had lived before.

But i had to stop, because the energy was building up sooo so much in my crown that i was getting dizzy. My head was about to burst.

I realised that day that we were onto something different, something very special compared to my previous experiences – which i rate just as highly, only different…I want to thank all of the women i have been fortunate to be with in my life, i have wonderful memories, i enjoyed every moment. But i wasn’t mastering anything. Now i was starting to discover a new potential. In me. In Union. And in Love, because without that decision, on my sofa, to love this woman, none of this would have happened.

Since then, we made love many times. Sometimes, we both agree, we were making love on a whole new level, the energy between us was radically different, on some higher plane than what we had previously experienced, which was already an “enhanced” version of our previous love-making.

I somehow didn’t realise, though, until today that is. That what we were doing, was actually happening on a spiritual level way more than on the physical. It was a spiritual encounter, a spiritual experience.

Sex without intimacy is a disaster of sadness & loneliness. Sex without connection & love is not worth “having”…it really has you.

Tantra seems to have its definitions all over the place, and no one can give me the same explanation of what it is. In fact, after years of wondering, i still cannot say that i have much of a clue as to what it means. But i do know this: it is about Consciousness, and not about sex.

When the reason for having sex is sex, you have a problem.

When sex is merely a consequence of true deep love, with an open, vulnerable, intimacy, where both Lovers know they can show themselves completely and be received, then you start to have something interesting. Something priceless, and, yes, Sacred.

I will add, for you men reading this, that orgasm is not the objective. Neither is ejaculation, and no, they don’t have to go “hand in hand”. It is possible, and i would say desirable, to separate orgasm from ejaculation. I succeeded once, about 20 years ago, totally by accident, so i know it is possible. I just haven’t managed to reproduce that yet – the quest began rather recently, i haven’t been at it for 20 years, not even 20 weeks. And i wish to succeed at this.

So far, i am beginning with “energy” or ‘life force’ retention, meaning i am refraining from ejaculation, even when making love to this amazing woman, whom i am incredibly drawn to. I could come just by looking at her, i love every inch of her body, even every smell. But i must retain this energy; and so i have now managed to keep it for about 5 or 6 weeks. It has been challenging. Bufo helped me calm it drastically on at least 2 occasions recently.

The way i feel now is that, unless i love the woman completely, i cannot make love to her. You’re wondering what ‘loving completely’ means to me. It’s a good question, let’s dive into it because i have no idea what i am going to reply.

It means that a conscious decision was made, to love her. That’s not something you can really take back easily. It could be just attachment patterns & trauma speaking. However, it was also a conscious decision of mine, to love her & accept her. I wanted everything with her, i imagine that my heart still does, even now that she has left me…again.

There were things i didn’t like about her at first. Not fully. I saw them as imperfections, maybe even obstacles to allowing myself to be with her, “forever”. And then i decided : i am in this, i am in this fully, i am in this to love her, as she is.

And i began to appreciate & enjoy almost every part of her, even the things i had previously “drawn out” in my mind as ‘imperfect’. Now i can say that i learnt i could love.

I have come to the conclusion that Love requires a very real, Conscious Decision.

It is easier for me, i don’t have kids to worry about, i am not full of millions of years of DNA telling me i need safety and a provider. I am also not divorced (haven’t married yet). I also have a job i really enjoy, and that offers me a lot of spare time, where i can meet my needs. Gym, music, rest, nature, friends, events, new connections…i am able to take hours or days when i need them.

So it is easier for me to make that decision to love, and to not hold anything back. To make it a cosmic commitment, if you will.

It turns out, also, that when you have a bunch of unhealed pain & trauma from childhood, such as abandonment & rejection, well, you will have to experience that over & over, as the invitation to heal & make it all conscious, is renewed.

Anyway, story short : yes, she had to leave me, because i have a lot to work on still. I needed to see all of these things, and more importantly, to feel them of course.

As of today, i know that all that ‘physical’ was actually strongly spiritual, and meant to be so.
It seems i feel different about the whole experience now. I see her as my Divine mirror, who on occasions agreed to let us join into a sort of Unity. If i were to release this life energy in me, it would be to create with her a new life, a new unconditionally loved child.

I am here before you today to express how i feel about her, and our Embrace.

Months ago already, i began to see her as a sculpture. She really is. Unbelievably feminine & erotic in more ways that i can possibly explain. I could stare in awe at her for hours without believing my luck.
I could have pictures of her on my wall, and admire them endlessly.
If i were the world’s best artist, i would never have been able to create her as perfect & beautiful. This woman is on another level of feminine.

Maybe it’s the paradox in her that makes her such a powerful woman. Never have i met more feminine.

Is it wishful thinking to wish for a woman like this in your life?

And what makes her ‘this woman’ is actually how i see her, how i hear her, how i feel her – how i perceive her. And it came as a Decision. I would love her.

All of her.

We may never ‘meet’ again. But that decision cannot be undone. My heart discovered that it knew how to love her. And so it does.

And so it will.