Are you depressed ? GOOD !


I wish someone had told me this.

Depression is usually viewed as a bad thing. And that’s the problem.

Depression is just the same as any other feeling : it’s your inner guiding system doing its job. When you’re in your car and your GPS tells you ‘WARNING! DANGER AHEAD! TURN ROUND AT ONCE!’, you don’t just ignore it and put in ear plugs. So why would you do that with how you feel about your own life ?

In this short video i explain why depression is actually a good thing and why you should do all you can to NOT ignore it and NOT hide it under a traitorous veil of so-called “anti”-depressants. I also give you a few quick tips on how to deal with it short term to improve your life.

Want to feel better ? Your inner beacon is the key. Listen to it and use it to your advantage.

You can bring a horse to the water…

…but you cannot make it drink.

Self sabotage

It has taken me a while but i have now changed my mind on recommending Ayahuasca. In fact, this applies to Kambo, Bufo Alvarius, anything. Basically all of those things where intention is absolutely determining.

My brother, my mother & I all experienced Kambo together a few months ago. While we all got some positive results, they were stronger for my mother than for my brother or I, and my brother possibly got the least. I could be wrong, but i think he used this as an excuse for ‘one step forwards, two steps back’ as far as these medicines are concerned. In fact he probably does not consider Ayahuasca & the like medicine ‘because it does not have the same effect on everyone’. That’s the reason his mind has found to dismiss these things, despite the clinical studies showing the demise of depression, despite the Nobel Prize nominations etc. Then again, he has not tried anything except Kambo, and you can’t really get a rougher ride than that, now can you? What more dissuasion could one need?

I talked with him today and he says he really was hoping for some positive impact from Kambo before he went (there is a huge difference between wanting & hoping!), yet he would never have gone alone and probably would not have gone just with me either, the only reason he came was because my mother agreed to go. After session 1 he pretty much immediately gave up and said he wouldn’t do it again. Luckily, he was persuaded by our facilitator the next day, however he has since decided to never do it again. Anyone surprised so far? Or try anything else for that matter – not anything that might help, at least. That’s right, the mesmerizing peacefulness & zen achieved by my mother after Ayahuasca are no reason to try. My own changes with Ayahuasca & Bufo Alvarius neither. The thousands of testimonies out there neither.

saw branchSo you see, there is a problem here. He was basically persuaded to do himself good, it was not his own initiative nor his own actions that led to him experiencing Kambo. Throw in some stiffness and intolerance towards all the jargon of these ceremonies (references to spirits, Shakras, etc) and you have a recipe for disaster: more of the same old self-sabotage.

And so the result is that today he is on allopathic “anti”-depressants (I call them depressants, as this seems more accurate), he is riddled with pain & symptoms such as eczema, zona and back pain.

You might think that sending over scientific articles on how psilocybin mushrooms cure depression and provide long term peace & calm to those who ingest them could have been a subject of practical interest in someone who said prior to Kambo that they wanted ‘peace & calm’. But, no, ‘that’s not for me’. Indeed, peace & calm is really not for him. I wonder why not.
The same applies to so many other things, all very well documented in the scientific community, of course: DMT, Ayahuasca & LSD all seem to have huge potential in terms of mental health & depression. So does Iboga.

It’s not for you unless you want it. He did not want it but went anyway: he is now worse off, in his opinion, than before. My opinion is that Kambo did to him what it did to me: it opened him up where he was emotionally crippled and his deep unhappiness is now harder to hide. I myself have had some times since then when i went looking for refuge in alcohol, sugar and fried foods. God did it make me sick. I felt like shit, my energy went down, my knee pain started coming back & so did the itch in my foot, and my back felt like it was always on the edge of getting stuck, right on shakra #2, the lower back region. Remind you of anything, brother?
But i stopped drinking. I stopped eating badly. I went & got a massage right away. I started meditating. The tensions started to go away, and after 2-3 weeks i was much better in every way. I did a bit of exercise and even lost a bit of blubber. My knee pain left and the foot stopped itching. Oh, and i did Bufo Alvarius and started feeling alive again, like i could not remember feeling since i was a kid. For more on that experience, see the videos or article on the homepage. That experience changed my life, made me stop alcohol immediately and i don’t even miss it. Haven’t drunk a drop since and i know i will never drink again. No regrets, in fact i am very pleased about it, i feel stronger and know i have done the right thing. Now i need to filter out the shit in my food and stop eating dead food.

self sabotageSo i made a mistake pushing him to do things i thought or knew could help him. Because when the mindset is shit, the mind will always find a way to fool you into continuing on the same shitty track. My brother has great reasons not to try any of these things that have helped others for thousands of years. Science doesn’t matter here, because ‘the effects vary for each person’. It’s hard to argue against that: each person is different and so each person needs different things. Where i was relieved of my anguish, guilt & anger on day 1 of Ayahuasca, others were relieved of their fear of death while everyone else found yet other awakening and/or life-changing benefits. As did everyone who did Bufo Alvarius (Toad Medicine). You usually get what you really yearn for. Kambo didn’t fail you, you failed yourself. That’s my opinion, anyway.
But there you go, the brilliance of our ‘reasonable mind’ at work. The mind really is a fuckery.

I have friends who, i am now rather sure, do not want to heal. Being healthy & fully operational bears way more responsibility than being sick. One of them told me to not talk about cures for his ailments because when i did it hurt his balls.
My mother has tinnitus. I sent her the details for a clinic in Germany with a new proven method that actually helps – that was over 3 years ago, she never called. She complains about being tired. I suggested calling a sleep center, there are plenty near her. She never called. And so on.
People sabotage a lot. I know i do. I am slowly becoming aware of it. And the reason it bothers me so much that my brother does is not just that i care for him and want him to be happy – brotherhood is truly a great & lovely thing, i am blessed to have him – it is also & mostly because it pisses me off that I sabotage. And boy do i get frustrated & angry about that. I know that at the end of the day, it’s mostly about me and things that I need to fix.

Pushing people to help themselves when they don’t want to may well indeed make things worse. And as hard & painful as it is for me to see my mother not help herself and fade back into ultra-negative mode after weeks of positivity & zen following Ayahuasca, i kind of know that i need to let her shoot herself in the foot. Same goes for my brother or anyone else.

I offered 100.000 € on Facebook to anyone who would try Bufo Alvarius and not describe it as the best thing that had ever happened to them. What response did i get? ‘What is that?’.
People can’t even be bothered to google a fucking word for 100.000 €….OR to change their lives.

Fuck them. Fuck you. Fuck me, i’m going to be sodding happy and if you want to waste away then too fucking bad. I am mad. At you, at me, at everyone. I already know i will want to edit this in 1 minute. Screw that, this is my mind right now.


My first experience on psylocibin mushrooms

10.26 am

Downed one gram of Syrian Rue (MAO inhibitor) with 1.08 g of Tampanensis magic truffles. I read a review on the site where i bought them whereby this French guy took 1g + 1g and was away for ages. It seems like very little, when the normal full dose seems to be 10-20g of mushroom. The Syrian Rue supposedly empowers the truffles, making it necessary to reduce the dose. Still, 1g seems like very little.

Note : be very very careful when taking an MAO inhibitor such as Syrian Rue or Banister Caapi (Ayahuasca) or some of the others out there : there are many foods you need to avoid and most importantly you need to be off meds, sometimes months in advance, especially anti-depressants. Otherwise, not only will you not get the benefits, you will likely get fucked up big time and come out even more depressed instead. Maybe it’s not the MAO inhibitor that’s dangerous in this case ? Maybe it’s your counter-productive chemical meds. However, the MAOI does prevent a normal process inside your gut. With Ayahuasca, it prevents your gut from destroying the DMT contained in the Chacruna before it can be of any use to you.

10.51 am

I will give it another 15 mins and then if no effects are felt i will take another gram of Tampanensis.

I am at home and have a sober sitter.

11.05 am

No notable effects, possibly a bit more relaxed though. Decided to eat another 1.10 g.
The consistency of these things is surprising, not at all like mushroom, hence their ‘truffle’ nickname i suppose. They taste a bit like black olives, with an acidic tangy after-taste.

11.10 am

A minute or two after having swallowed down the second gram, i definitely felt a “whoosh of relaxness”, but it lasted just a few fleeting moments. When i turn my head it feels like there is a bit of a lag in my vision somehow, but i can’t be sure, maybe i am looking too hard for symptoms.

11.18 am

Can definitely feel my arms & hands relaxing. Feeling a bit sleepy, which i don’t like. Stood up and felt weirdly lighter.

11.34 am

Just downed another 2 grams, because i wasn’t really getting any effects. Maybe a bit giggly at times.

11.57 am

Still nothing. Going to take 2 more grams.

1 pm or so

By now i have taken a 4 more grams, and then eventually what was left in the bag : 15 g in total, ie a normal full dose, albeit with the 1g of crushed MAOI Syrian Rue, which is supposed to boost things tremendously. I must be resistant to these things : no visions.

1.20 pm

I am outside painting the gate, by myself, and i am starting to giggle like a lunatic. It’s kinda fun !

5 pm

The effects are wearing off (i thought they never would). The uncontrollable giggling that started at 1.20pm and lasted about 50 mins and then came back intermittently, has finally come to an end. It wasn’t without enjoyment, i must say, but it is still a bit annoying to not be able to focus or even urinate because your abs are fully contracted and you are in constant movement from the flat out laughter. Tears, runny nose, coughing up phlegm…all seemed to be side effects of the laughter, but that doesn’t make sense.
If someone has a bad joke to tell, this it the time to hear them : no matter how dreadful, you will giggle away like a lunatic.

The following day

I will probably do it again sometime, but i feel no need to do it today or soon. It was nothing like i expected. I expected visuals, i didn’t get any. I did not expect uncontrollable giggling, i sure got that. At one point i felt — but could not see — my surroundings slightly inflating and deflating along with my breathing. Weird. I imagine a higher dose might have made that into a fully fledged hallucination.

Insights & Conclusion

Yesterday, around 3 pm or so, i was getting a bit tired, would have liked to lie down…couldn’t because of the mess in this fucking house (not my house), so i sat down on the only sofa space left, surrounded by the piles of mess. I would normally get depressed by the overwhelming consequences of this hoarding, decades of hoarding. I just giggled, and things fell into place ever so clearly : these things were there because we had wanted them there. We wanted them there. That was it, the very clear key : why do we want these things here ? The answer, the problem, the solution are not outside of us in the mess, they are within us. It was just so obvious, not tragic ! Easy, really.

Throughout the hours of this strange experience, i would talk/giggle on & off with my brother, who was busy cutting branches in the garden. Even with the effects on the rise or at their height, my brother says i was making sense. I had trouble pronouncing uncontrollawobbly. I couldn’t focus very long without giggling & losing track, but when the giggling gave me space to think, things were ever so clear : like a shortcut to what matters. Why on earth one needs to take mushrooms to achieve that is beyond me, and a bit sad, but all the bollocks was a whole lot clearer. Listening to my sick mother left me astounded, disarmed. I do want to help her, i just don’t know how. Oh yes, the idea has occurred to me : laying shrooms in her tea/food, or maybe some Lucy… But i don’t want to lose what trust there is. We’ll go with microdosing Iboga : that’s arriving in a few days.

Overall, i feel no addiction and have no idea when i will do it again. Next time, i will try the Hawaiian Highs, supposedly stronger. Maybe that will trigger visuals. I wonder if these Tampanensis will systematically give me the giggles. So far i have never had a ‘bad trip’ on any of the Ayahuasca, and now neither on mushrooms…will next time be all rosey ? I don’t want to make a habit of it, and don’t think i will need to anyway.
It has been a positive experience in my opinion : giggling feels healthy and it takes the edge off of the drama, helps you be more reasonable about this “reality”, in a way. Helps you remove importance from things that should not have any : throwing away junk should not be a problem, if it bothers us we should just pick it up and remove it from the house. We don’t so the issue is deep within us ; it is important to explore it and seek out, excavate it from our souls/minds.

I cannot recommend these things, because i cannot predict what it will do to you. If you are here looking for advice, try this : always start with a tiny tiny dose to check for allergies, and go slow. Do not gobble down the 15g in one go if you are on your first try. I could be wrong, let’s face it : i have no experience with this stuff.

Video recorded in the midst of the experience