‘Who am I?’ – The Retreat

The following video is in Czech & English, i hope to have a version with English subtitles for you soon, follow this blog & my YouTube channel for notifications. For more information on the retreat, use the email in the video.

Our latest retreat was in July 2020 and was overbooked. It was also, i promise, way more of a success than i thought it would be. 😉

Let me explain : we had several new elements/activities to our program, and i was concerned we couldn’t pull it off. We did, and the feedback during the closing circle was 100% positive, everyone was very pleased with their stay & their experience.

Even if you don’t speak the language, the video will give you an idea of what to expect.

The next retreat will be from September 2nd to 6th 2020, in South Bohemia, Czech Republic. There are cheap flights to Prague from all over Europe. And from Prague car-pooling can be arranged with other clients attending.

We have approximately 20 spots available, for a staff of 8 !

The food is 100% healthy & vegan, very tasty, and will not leave you wanting anything more. 🙂

For details & pricing, please use the email in the video. Beware that last time we were overbooked so i recommend you do not delay if you are interested.

Who is this for?
– Anyone who wants to find out who they are.
– Anyone with addictions or depression but not taking SSRIs.
– Anyone wanting to re-connect with themselves and find their purpose in life.
– Anyone curious about connecting to ‘The Source’ and feeling more, or wanting more gratitude in their life.

The retreat will be preceded by an introduction call, and followed by an integration call.


Kelly Howell’s Brainsync collection is currently 50% off

I don’t often promote much here, that’s not the purpose of this blog, which i think is not even monetized at all (at least i have never received a cent from it!).

For those of you following this blog or my YouTube channel, you might recall that i use special mp3s for meditation & before falling asleep. Well, i still use the same ones, and i feel a positive effect from them on my mood & on my dreams. I highly recommend them.

It just so happens that there is currently 50% off on the Brainsync website (CDs & MP3s) with promo code PEACE2019. I thought that was worth mentioning.

Which tracks do i use?

Morning : Awakening Kundalini (includes breathing exercises). Wakes me up & gets me in a good mood, motivated.

Night before sleep and whilst sleeping : Attract wealth #3 is designed to put you to sleep and works real well. I also use The Secret Universal Mind Meditations, they are very empowering and also great for sleeping.

Some of her tracks are great to listen to all day, on speakers, such as the relaxing Attract Love While Working, or Release & Let Go.

When you register on her website, you get a free track, and you’ll receive future promo codes automatically.

Remember to use them daily for best results.


Some of my favorites

Are you depressed ? GOOD !


I wish someone had told me this.

Depression is usually viewed as a bad thing. And that’s the problem.

Depression is just the same as any other feeling : it’s your inner guiding system doing its job. When you’re in your car and your GPS tells you ‘WARNING! DANGER AHEAD! TURN ROUND AT ONCE!’, you don’t just ignore it and put in ear plugs. So why would you do that with how you feel about your own life ?

In this short video i explain why depression is actually a good thing and why you should do all you can to NOT ignore it and NOT hide it under a traitorous veil of so-called “anti”-depressants. I also give you a few quick tips on how to deal with it short term to improve your life.

Want to feel better ? Your inner beacon is the key. Listen to it and use it to your advantage.

LSD microdosing…NOT !

So here i am, having not bought LSD or anything illegal anywhere in the world, not cutting up LSD tabs into 8 and not microdosing it.
I did not take 1/8th of a tab at 10.35 am this morning and this is an account of me not doing any of those things.
First off, i don’t know if it really was not LSD 25 or if it was not 1P LSD, heck maybe it was not something else. I was simply told ‘this is not acid’. Already confusing.
I did not pay 150 units of imaginary currency (which translates into 7,50 in €) for it.
Apparently when you take LSD it takes 30-45 minutes to start to kick in. Much like shrooms then.

So here it is. Will i feel anything from not taking this stuff ? Is the non-LSD spread out evenly on the tiny tab or did the part i just did not ingest have more or less than 1/8th of the non-existent dose ? How much was the imaginary dose on this tab of non-acid anyway ? Geeez, so many questions…

10.35 am

1/8th of a tab of non-LSD.

10.45 am

Can’t say that i am feeling much, and were i feeling anything it might be a placebo / nocebo. Maybe more relaxed ?

10.50 am

Right, definitely seeing a walrus in clothes sitting at a piano singing, with pretty policemen doing a dance routine on a wall.
Just kidding : nothing.

I’m having (fresh) ginger (root) tea, very strong in the ginger department. Dunno if that’s a good or a bad thing, or maybe making me feel things too.

11.02 am

Doing my work-out routine now, just did 50 squats, going to do 50 more. Not sure if this can have any influence.

11.39 am

I am now onto ginger coffee with powdered Saigon cinnamon. Is that giving me a high ?
My brain doesn’t feel quite normal, as if there was some abnormal activity going on up there, right in its center. Could it be thinking ?? Maybe i’ve found a way to turn it on.

1.08 pm

Feeling some sort of very light inner ‘bone’…”euphoria” maybe ? Reminds me a bit of shrooms.

5 pm

Took some more, 2/8ths i think and cannot remember when [i’m writing this the next day] but i know i took one more 1/8th at some point, totally 4/8s in the day.

Around 8.30 pm

Went to the supermarket, stared at a sign for a minute and it started slowly moving. Felt overall pretty strange and driving was not something i was comfortable with.
Keeping focussed eyes was impossible, no matter what the distance.

Around 10.30 pm & next day

Went to bed. Slept pretty well till my alarm went off at 5.30 am. Maybe have got some closed eye visuals. At this time i took half a tab.

Next day 7 am

Need to sleep, set my timer for 90 mins, put on the Kelly Howell track #3 The secret to attracting wealth, which is designed for sleep, and i got plenty of very bright coloured closed-eye visuals, but very synthetic fluorescent colours. There was nothing fascinating about it. I don’t even know if this stuff is actual LSD, let’s keep that in mind.

Next day 11.30 am

I don’t like the feel of it so far. Feels unnatural, synthetic, like abnormal activity in the brain. Will surely take a full tab one day but really don’t feel like it. Maybe there is some point to microdosing this, whatever i have bought here, in 1/8s, because there seemed to be some extra drive, but quite frankly i’d rather manage to find that drive & maybe stamina through other means. I feel like i am closed to my emotions, to my pain, to my loneliness, and i feel like i need some Toad Medicine or some long deep Ayahuasca sessions, like in Peru.

I must stop spurting out my pain & frustration onto others, mostly my mother & brother, because that is just being a victim about victims. A dead-end. I am really frustrated with myself, my lack of actions, my procrastination, and i wonder to what extent these lines here are not exactly that. I NEED TO FOCUS, and STICK TO THAT FOCUS. I know i can do it, i just seems to have


Does our mind control & create our reality ?

Dr Bruce Lipton produces a fascinating presentation from minute 1 right through to the very last second.
Just 5 or 10 mins in you can feel the breeze that is about to storm your mind. And then it just gets better & better.
So much in here that i will have to watch it again, for sure. And yet it is all so very clear & easy to understand.
Thanks, Mr Lipton, this is high-value life-changing insight.


My 66 Day Challenge : to work out every day

On April 25th 2016 i decided to take up a self-suggested 66 day challenge to exercise every single day.
Here i will post “Vlog” updates – that’s video logs i think – now & then.
I am now on day 22, ie 33% through. How do i feel ? Have i lost weight ? Am i gaining muscle ?
What is my routine ?
My weight is stable, but…

Quick reminder : before May 10th 2014, which is when i first watched Dan Pena & Peter Sage and started running & eating better (and soon did Ayahuasca), i was 83 Kg. I am 68 Kg (2016-05-16).

Vlog from April 28th (2016) – Day 4 :

Vlog from May 16th – Day 22 :


Vlog from June 14th – Day 53 :

Before and after photos will be posted on Day 66 right here. Subscribe to this blog and/or the YouTube channel for updates.


Two years in, what has changed ?

Two years & one day ago, everything started to change for me. It was like a shock. I was gobsmacked – for 3 days. Then i got up off my arse and ran. And lost weight. And felt overwhelmed with incompatible feelings and it felt wonderful. Thank you Peter Sage and Dan Pena for showing me it is possible to not be a victim, i had no clue. No clue i was one, and no clue i could not be.
Two years have gone by, amazingly, and i have experienced Ayahuasca 11 times, shrooms 4 or 5 times, Peyote once, Kambo twice and Bufo Alvarius twice.
But what has changed ?


You can bring a horse to the water…

…but you cannot make it drink.

Self sabotage

It has taken me a while but i have now changed my mind on recommending Ayahuasca. In fact, this applies to Kambo, Bufo Alvarius, anything. Basically all of those things where intention is absolutely determining.

My brother, my mother & I all experienced Kambo together a few months ago. While we all got some positive results, they were stronger for my mother than for my brother or I, and my brother possibly got the least. I could be wrong, but i think he used this as an excuse for ‘one step forwards, two steps back’ as far as these medicines are concerned. In fact he probably does not consider Ayahuasca & the like medicine ‘because it does not have the same effect on everyone’. That’s the reason his mind has found to dismiss these things, despite the clinical studies showing the demise of depression, despite the Nobel Prize nominations etc. Then again, he has not tried anything except Kambo, and you can’t really get a rougher ride than that, now can you? What more dissuasion could one need?

I talked with him today and he says he really was hoping for some positive impact from Kambo before he went (there is a huge difference between wanting & hoping!), yet he would never have gone alone and probably would not have gone just with me either, the only reason he came was because my mother agreed to go. After session 1 he pretty much immediately gave up and said he wouldn’t do it again. Luckily, he was persuaded by our facilitator the next day, however he has since decided to never do it again. Anyone surprised so far? Or try anything else for that matter – not anything that might help, at least. That’s right, the mesmerizing peacefulness & zen achieved by my mother after Ayahuasca are no reason to try. My own changes with Ayahuasca & Bufo Alvarius neither. The thousands of testimonies out there neither.

saw branchSo you see, there is a problem here. He was basically persuaded to do himself good, it was not his own initiative nor his own actions that led to him experiencing Kambo. Throw in some stiffness and intolerance towards all the jargon of these ceremonies (references to spirits, Shakras, etc) and you have a recipe for disaster: more of the same old self-sabotage.

And so the result is that today he is on allopathic “anti”-depressants (I call them depressants, as this seems more accurate), he is riddled with pain & symptoms such as eczema, zona and back pain.

You might think that sending over scientific articles on how psilocybin mushrooms cure depression and provide long term peace & calm to those who ingest them could have been a subject of practical interest in someone who said prior to Kambo that they wanted ‘peace & calm’. But, no, ‘that’s not for me’. Indeed, peace & calm is really not for him. I wonder why not.
The same applies to so many other things, all very well documented in the scientific community, of course: DMT, Ayahuasca & LSD all seem to have huge potential in terms of mental health & depression. So does Iboga.

It’s not for you unless you want it. He did not want it but went anyway: he is now worse off, in his opinion, than before. My opinion is that Kambo did to him what it did to me: it opened him up where he was emotionally crippled and his deep unhappiness is now harder to hide. I myself have had some times since then when i went looking for refuge in alcohol, sugar and fried foods. God did it make me sick. I felt like shit, my energy went down, my knee pain started coming back & so did the itch in my foot, and my back felt like it was always on the edge of getting stuck, right on shakra #2, the lower back region. Remind you of anything, brother?
But i stopped drinking. I stopped eating badly. I went & got a massage right away. I started meditating. The tensions started to go away, and after 2-3 weeks i was much better in every way. I did a bit of exercise and even lost a bit of blubber. My knee pain left and the foot stopped itching. Oh, and i did Bufo Alvarius and started feeling alive again, like i could not remember feeling since i was a kid. For more on that experience, see the videos or article on the homepage. That experience changed my life, made me stop alcohol immediately and i don’t even miss it. Haven’t drunk a drop since and i know i will never drink again. No regrets, in fact i am very pleased about it, i feel stronger and know i have done the right thing. Now i need to filter out the shit in my food and stop eating dead food.

self sabotageSo i made a mistake pushing him to do things i thought or knew could help him. Because when the mindset is shit, the mind will always find a way to fool you into continuing on the same shitty track. My brother has great reasons not to try any of these things that have helped others for thousands of years. Science doesn’t matter here, because ‘the effects vary for each person’. It’s hard to argue against that: each person is different and so each person needs different things. Where i was relieved of my anguish, guilt & anger on day 1 of Ayahuasca, others were relieved of their fear of death while everyone else found yet other awakening and/or life-changing benefits. As did everyone who did Bufo Alvarius (Toad Medicine). You usually get what you really yearn for. Kambo didn’t fail you, you failed yourself. That’s my opinion, anyway.
But there you go, the brilliance of our ‘reasonable mind’ at work. The mind really is a fuckery.

I have friends who, i am now rather sure, do not want to heal. Being healthy & fully operational bears way more responsibility than being sick. One of them told me to not talk about cures for his ailments because when i did it hurt his balls.
My mother has tinnitus. I sent her the details for a clinic in Germany with a new proven method that actually helps – that was over 3 years ago, she never called. She complains about being tired. I suggested calling a sleep center, there are plenty near her. She never called. And so on.
People sabotage a lot. I know i do. I am slowly becoming aware of it. And the reason it bothers me so much that my brother does is not just that i care for him and want him to be happy – brotherhood is truly a great & lovely thing, i am blessed to have him – it is also & mostly because it pisses me off that I sabotage. And boy do i get frustrated & angry about that. I know that at the end of the day, it’s mostly about me and things that I need to fix.

Pushing people to help themselves when they don’t want to may well indeed make things worse. And as hard & painful as it is for me to see my mother not help herself and fade back into ultra-negative mode after weeks of positivity & zen following Ayahuasca, i kind of know that i need to let her shoot herself in the foot. Same goes for my brother or anyone else.

I offered 100.000 € on Facebook to anyone who would try Bufo Alvarius and not describe it as the best thing that had ever happened to them. What response did i get? ‘What is that?’.
People can’t even be bothered to google a fucking word for 100.000 €….OR to change their lives.

Fuck them. Fuck you. Fuck me, i’m going to be sodding happy and if you want to waste away then too fucking bad. I am mad. At you, at me, at everyone. I already know i will want to edit this in 1 minute. Screw that, this is my mind right now.


Bufo Alvarius : Day 4 – The 2 minute update

From now on, i will try to make a detailed daily update, mostly for me, for the record (that’s what this blog is), and a 2 minute update for anyone interested in the essence but not in wasting more time.
These longer versions are at the bottom of this post.

In summary, i feel GREAT, i feel IN CONTROL of my mind (whereas it was in control of me before), i haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since and i somehow would be very disappointed with myself if i ever did (!!!), i feel way more determined to do things i know i need to do and way more determined to NOT do things i know i shouldn’t do, and that feels just GREAT.

Meditation has taken on a whole new dimension, with feelings reminiscent of the Bufo Alvarius Experience, and i got some absolutely amazing feelings of well-being this morning before i woke up, with a deep inner conviction that i could do anything i wanted and was limitless (HAHAHAAA how fucking cool is that, eh ?! HAHAAAA I’M LOVIN THIS !!!).

At moments during the day when i have positive thoughts of love, of who i miss (mostly my brother & mother), basically when i feel in flow with who I Really Am, then i just start to feel amazing. I had this beacon in me before too, but i wasn’t listening to it. My mind would convince me that the beeps were something else. And so i would sabotage with alcohol (blurs away your consciousness and should be absolutely avoided at all times, no excuses!) and nasty foods to “satisfy” “cravings”, only to feel less satisfied and more miserable. I don’t do that now, at least i haven’t over these 4 days, and somehow i have this CONVICTION in my CORE that i never will again. I cannot even begin to tell you how LIBERATING that is. It’s marvellous.

I cannot wait to see what will happen this afternoon, tomorrow, next week, next month.

How i want my loved ones to feel as good and as liberated of their non-truths as i do of my own lies now. There definitely was a me before and Me Now. And I am NEVER going back to that frustrated miserable me. I am Alive and it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Love Yourself, Love Life.
It is just one breath away.


The 2 minute update :

The “short” version :

The long version :
[being uploaded, check again in a few hours]

Seen ‘Limitless’ ? I just took that pill this morning.

If you haven’t seen the film ‘Limitless’ yet, i think i’ll take a chance and recommend it. I know it’s Hollywood, in a way it is just more bullshit. Money, murder, drugs, girls, huge fancy apartments in New York, and a dangerous crazy Russian mobster. It even has Robert DeNiro. Maybe he hasn’t aged too well and looks a little too much like a grandpa now, but he still lends credibility to any character he plays.
So, yes, it’s all exaggerated like crazy in the film, the pill that inspired it does not really make you like that and popping one will not instantly make you into a genius or a wealthy trader. Or at least 3 hours in i still feel just as dummy as ever. Maybe that’s just me. 😉

And, yes, it really is FDA approved. But so are aspartame and GMOs.

Ok, so here is the deal : we don’t know much about the pill, but it has been around since the 90’s i think, so if it had disastrous effects we might know by now. Although most folks keep quiet about it, some are honest enough to disclose the info openly. If you search around, you’ll see who i am referring to : a guy called Dave Asprey, who markets himself as ‘the bullet-proof executive’. I first heard of him because Bullet-Proof coffee sponsors LondonReal.tv and, as you will know if you read the ‘About’ section here, LondonReal is where this all started for me. So the guy has been taking it for 8 or 10 years, not every day, but he seems to be doing alright.
That is not enough for me, i needed first hand witnesses, ie people i actually know.
I was chatting with a guy i met at Ayahuasca n°3, let’s call him Peter, and the subject came up. Turns out he has been doing it for 3 years. Wow, that was fortunate. I bombarded him with questions and he very kindly told me about his experience with it. I was concerned about nasty side effects, of course, such as migraines or long term permanent negative changes…
Please note that i am not going to try to convince anyone to buy this stuff, i am merely going to relate my own experience with it. That’s what this blog is : a series of snapshots of my journey, a recorded trace for myself to look back upon from time to time & see how i was / how i have changed etc.
A word about Peter maybe : he seems to have tried a lot of things, used to grow his own mushrooms, is a webdesigner, had his own company, seems like a very reasonable guy to me overall and hardworking too. Freelance, you need to be. He pops a pill every 6 weeks or so, when he needs to do an ‘all-nighter’, ie work on an order all night. It keeps him awake. He told me that the more he took the less he felt the positive effects : so the ‘Limitless’ pill does have its limits. He used to get euphoric and very focused, now it mostly keeps him awake and makes it possible for him to work for extended periods of time, up to 20 hours.
He mentioned he never got any migraines or other of the known possible secondary effects. This post and its updates will tell you what it does to me.

I played it safe : i popped just half of a 200mg pill.

After about 10 mins i could feel a slight pressure inside my head, as if my brain had expanded a tiny bit. It wasn’t painful of unpleasant, but neither was it pleasant, merely a little strange. That either wore off quickly or i got used to it.

I couldn’t feel any special effects, no nausea, no headache, no euphoria, nothing. So i decided to pop the other half of the pill.

It is now 10.34am and i will try to describe it as best i can : i definitely feel different. I wouldn’t say euphoric but as you can see i feel like writing. I only had some tea and a banana so far and i feel very very hungry, more than usual. Maybe i have usually eaten more by this time in the morning. I have not had coffee yet, i don’t want to mix. I emailed Peter to see if i can mix them and until he replies i think i will skip the coffee. I feel somehow “more mentally active”, and i really cannot tell you if that’s a good thing yet. I am hoping this will help me be more focused on my work during today and that i will get a lot more done. So far i have been writing this and little else, but i will update the post with edits as i go along.
Definitely need to eat something, i am freakin starving. Drinking lots of water to compensate and because the note inside the box warns about people with kidney problems — not that i have any i know of, i suppose i am trying to “dilute” the pill a bit. Probably makes no sense !
I don’t know if this is just wishful thinking or influence from the film but i get the impression my vision is more tightly focused on what i am actually looking at. Nothing like the weird fish-eye vision you get a taste of in the film, just a weird feeling.

Started getting increasingly strong pain in what i think is my left kidney. Seemed to connect to my left testicle. Quickly drank 2 glasses of water, then had a third with some herbal drops (Taray, in Spanish — meant to help the kidneys) and about 10-15 mins later the pain has gone. Did a search in the nootropics section on Reddit and i am not the only one to have got these symptoms. It should be noted that 2 days ago i got a similar pain but less intense (and without the pain in the testicle). I will be drinking a lot of water today, and some more Taray drops.
Tomorrow i plan to either not take the pill or to take only half or less. But if i do, i will drink Taray and a lot of water before i pop the pill.

Can’t say i’m really feeling anything special. Kidney & testi pain seems gone.

Went running, did 9 laps instead of the 4.5 i usually do. I can’t really explain this or confirm it’s because of the pill but as soon as i started running i felt a conviction that i was going to run more than usual. A firm conviction i could do it. Physically i could have done this before, but there was a lack of motivation. Usually i get to 4 or 5 laps (600m each) and call it a day. I don’t really feel tired afterwards, my legs don’t hurt, but i’m relieved to just stop running at that point. So what i usually do is set a goal of 5-6 laps and do 4.5 or 5. This time i set a goal of 8 laps and when i got to 8 i just felt i could easily do more. By 9 it was getting dark and i was bored.
Got home & lifted some weights. I think i did 6 sets instead of the usual 4 or 5. And then i did a total of 100 abs, something i haven’t done at all since at least early August.
I have this feeling i won’t be sleeping too early tonight and might struggle to sleep at all. Problem is tomorrow morning i have an 8am meeting. So i’m thinking i am going to drink plenty of detoxing tea tonight, drink a LOT of water tomorrow around 7am, drink some more Taray drops in more water, and take half a pill. I want to see if half a pill has the same effect, as some people claim. I also want to avoid fucking up my kidneys or liver…deep down i don’t think these pills can be healthy. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dave Asprey is struck dead one day without apparent reason. I’m testing this because i want to be more focused on my work, mostly, and out of curiosity, plus i want to know what it does in case, like Peter, i need to do an all-nighter. They say, for example, that you shouldn’t drive whilst on this…i think i could drive without any problem, to be honest, but i would purposely drive slower and more carefully than usual just in case i was wrong. Drunk or stoned people also think they can drive.
So tonight i intend to get a lot of work done, because frankly, today i really haven’t been very focused on my work at all. I am pretty sure i can focus more & be more disciplined without this bloody pill and that i am just looking for a quick & easy fix, without the effort. If so then that’s pretty lame.
Since mt last update i have been drinking a lot of water. At one point i had a cup of coffee, which i had diluted compared to usual, just in case, and it was fine. I actually felt pretty good. By cup 2 i started feeling not so good, slight pressure in the head (still have it hours later, tho less), similar to what i felt this morning and i guess not far off what some antidepressants might incur. Tomorrow i will try to stick to one very light coffee if i do have any.

Just had my first yawn of the day. Starting to feel more normal again although not quite. And tired. Hopefully will sleep after all but i still feel like i won’t be able to for some reason.

Day 2, 10.12am
Today i was about to take half a pill but decided i was not going to risk it, i can still feel my left kidney a bit and that can’t be good. So i have looked up what else might be causing the issue and it turns out i have been eating a lot of things i shouldn’t : meat, dairy, coffee, and lately i tried a supposedly fat-burning drink in the mornings composed of sodium bicarbonate and lime juice. Salt can harm the kidneys, and i first got the pain a few days after starting on the baking soda drink. So for a while i am going to stop all coffee, meat, dairy and anything too salty, plus i am going to alternate my Taray kidney drops and my Boldo liver drops. Must eat a lot more vegetables.
I am not ruling out taking the pill again but if i do it will be in half dose for X amount of time and will try to not use at all if there is no need.

Conclusion for now
All in all, it keeps you awake for sure, but you feel weird. I was relieved when the effect started to wear off, to be honest — i still feel a little strange, actually. Sure, it seemed to help with the physical exercise but i think one can achieve similar results with a bit of meditation and focusing on a healthier more positive mindset.
Today i feel tired, naturally, since i stayed up way later than usual and got less sleep. That could easily turn into a vicious circle if you’re not careful, as for people who take sleeping pills and then need an opposite pill to wake up.
Exercise more, take short 10-15 minute naps during the day when needed and eat organic raw vegetables : that certainly seems more sensible to me than doing it all wrong and popping a pill. Can be handy, but i think it’s really best to stay off it.

Day 3, 11.28am
This morning i had an even earlier meeting, and yesterday was rough, felt rather dozy most of the time. So at 6.47am i popped half a pill. I was careful to drink lots of water before and after this time.
I can definitely feel a difference with yesterday.
I tried a small cup of coffee : the first sip went straight to my head. After the whole cup i wasn’t feeling great, however.
Yesterday, i did not exercise, today i must go & run. In my defense, my abs were a tad painful yesterday since the day before i had done my first set in a long time. But most of all i just had no motivation to go & run. Today i feel better, less weird than day 1. I can still feel that slight pressure in my head, but nothing like day 1.
One thing i have noticed, but cannot relate to the pill with any level of certainty : i have been feeling colder lately, especially my hands & feet. Yesterday i took my hour lunch break in the form of a nap huddled up under 4 blankets. Felt great under there, didn’t want to emerge but i knew i had to. Right now i am wrapped in a blanket, my feet are cold & my hands are freezing. I have no thermometer here so i cannot tell you what the ambient temp is.

January 6th, 2015
Over the past few weeks i have been taking half pills on & off, by no means every day. It takes a while to come through, 2 hours or so, but sure enough it stops the yawning. Does it make you more focused ? Not really. Does it come in handy when driving ? Hell yes. We had to leave from Chihuahua to El Paso, Texas, at 4am (that’s a 400km drive), and the next morning we did the same thing the other way. I popped half a pill before i needed to drive and i was absolutely fine whereas everyone else in the car was dozing off or sound asleep. Very convenient for that.
I never took a full pill after the first one because of the strange feelings you get and because of the pain in my kidney & testi, mostly, also because i just don’t think it’s healthy at all.

Yesterday morning i took one quarter of a pill and although i could have slept sooner i went to bed way past midnight. Result ? I had a hard time getting up this morning and popped another quarter. Tonight i really must just go to bed sooner and put an end to this cycle.

Modafinil vs Armodafinil
You may have read about the new Limitless pill, Armodafinil (often referred to as Nuvigil, i think), and i have found it very difficult to find Modafinil here in Mexico (sold as Modiodal). I cannot assure you of this but i saw on Reddit that the patent for Modafinil was running out, and that Armodafinil is just a very slightly modified Modafinil molecule. Some have said that the new version is twice as strong but the Reddit post claims otherwise. In theory they should be about the same, and maybe Modafinil is still better. Makes sense when you think about it : why release Modafinil first if Armodafinil was better ?
I have not tried the new version and will if i find some, but my point here is this : it’s probably not worth spending extra money on the new molecule, and when generic versions of the old one come out they should be your best option. Remember that these pills are very expensive. Here in Mexico i pay around 3 dollars per pill. That’s insane when you consider the manufacturing costs and how long the pill has been around for. I heard that some soldiers were on it for PTSD and were paying hundreds of dollars per box, ie tens of dollars per pill. That is mental. If you are going to take it regularly, order some from the Indian manufacturers directly, they are a few cents per pill. And if you have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), your best bet is not Big Pharma but Ayahuasca, Iboga or mushrooms.

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