A week before this bewildering dream, that woke me up in huge stress & big sadness, i had to get out of an extremely painful relationship that was just eating me away. That likely affected this dream, as i was in a wild emotional roller-coaster, crying almost every day for 3 weeks, not eating anywhere enough for about 10 days, and so on. I was having huge difficulty sleeping, waking up anxious several times per night, and waking up feeling horrible every morning as standard. I was also quite sad about not seeing the kids anymore. It’s been 2 months as i write this description, and i think hardly a day has gone by when i didn’t think of them. Every time they bring a smile to my face. 🙂 —————————————————— Lara (referred to as ‘Larinka’ here), in this dream, is 3 years old. She is my ex’s daughter, and she is the cutest loveliest little bundle of consciousness i have seen in many years! 😀
In this dream, placed in the Amazon maybe, things get rather worrying & scary, however, as two heavily-armed mercenaries come to kidnap Larinka & to kill everyone else.
My brother, here, appears with the calm of a professional soldier, and while i was courageous enough here i wasn’t able to kill a man without getting into shock.
The mission was simple : get Lara to safety. The moment that happened, we were either going to live or die, but it didn’t matter to us, the mission had been accomplished by that point.
We’d either manage to kill these 2 hostile mercenaries, or they would kill all of us, but we were calm about the outcome, the only worry we had had was saving Larinka. Once i knew she had been evacuated, i was at peace with the outcome.
Little Lara was clearly of some major importance in this story. Her mother & brother were absent from this dream, i felt like they were either very far away or possibly already no longer with us, and Lara was a survivor of some previous attempt, and we were just trying to protect her. They had found our hiding place, we were disposable to them, but Lara was to be taken alive and brought to whomever hired them.
I eventually managed to kill one of the assailants, very efficiently, by shooting him in the neck from above, with a 3-bullet burst from an automatic pistol, but i was then shaking & in too much shock to be of any use with the second guy, who was heavily armed and coming up the stairs next to kill all of us who were hiding on the last floor of this wooden house by this south American jungle river.
I was no longer operational, shaking too much, heart rate out of control, paralyzed, and had no choice than to leave the second guy to my brother, who was totally calm, just waiting for the guy to come so he could shoot him, like someone who has been thoroughly trained & likely seen this many times before. My feeling was that he would manage to get the other guy…but all of this was too much for me, and that’s when i woke up, shaking, with my heart racing, and with immense sadness. As soon as i woke up, i started crying very intensely. I think that was the first time i woke up with such sadness that i needed to continue crying, even after awaking.
And that’s where the video begins : i tell it as fresh as i could, and you can see that i have to contain the emotion & breathe through it several times during the telling of this story. It was highly emotional for me.
Today i feel i realised something. It’s still sinking in as i type, mind you.
Today, i realised that making love, sex, is not intended to be first & foremost a physical experience, but a spiritual one. We’ve all read things like this before. But right now, i am feeling it. As many of you reading will know, there is a tremendous difference between “knowing” and ‘knowing’. The latter means to feel, really, while the former is mind, a thought…a guess, at best. We think we know…until we’ve felt it, and then we know.
The first taste of this i got was on December 5, 2015, my first Bufo Alvarius experience. You can read about that here on this blog if you like. In that experience, i got to feel judgement. I realised then, through feeling it, its volatile existence, merely in my mind, substance-less, not even smoke, just a mind illusion. One more.
Think of it: where is judgement? Can you point at it in the room? Where did it come from? How does it get here? And where is that?
But back to our topic : how making love is not supposed to be about anything physical, but rather first & foremost an act of Spiritual Union. A Sacred Cosmic Union, of Feminine and Masculine.
I am losing a woman of special importance to me. We met around Christmas, she was living in this house and made it a home. She spread her femininity in light, flowers, esthetic, and…union. We came together with her.
She embraced me on my sofa, and told me to just feel.
Calm your sexual energy, and feel, she simply said, that was all. And she let me do it.
And so i did.
At that moment, i knew something really important was happening in my life. I felt her feminine Presence, her touch, her warmth, her Love. She is a mother, a woman, and also a little girl. In that moment, she was probably a mix of the woman & mother. She let me be with her, as i had never been with a woman before. I felt.
The heart opened at that moment. A decision to love was made. And, to me, maybe this will be attachment speaking, a Sacred Union was born. Something that time could not turn back. You know, when you open a door and see something you cannot unsee? Well, this was something i could not unfeel.
I imagine that what this was, was the inner child experiencing connection with the mother again. And, because my biggest trauma is abandonment, she left. Again and again. There’s more to that, but maybe not our topic for today.
You don’t make love to a woman, you make love with her.
You both meet half way, and the meeting point is a melting point : man disappears into woman, and woman receives man inside her, both become identical, and also just One at the same time. The differences between man & woman disappear, as their genitals embrace each other perfectly, like Yin & Yang. No, i won’t make the pun.
Is it wishful thinking to wish that i will never make love with another woman?
Is it wishful thinking to wish that i will hold only her?
How can i breathe her breath again?
How can i smell her?
How can i get her close again?
Making love with her has been an experience like no other. From almost the beginning, things took an energetic turn.
As i was paying huge attention to deep slow breathing, we made love in the bathroom. I was able to last & last & last, i was in perfect control of that energy, like nothing i had lived before.
But i had to stop, because the energy was building up sooo so much in my crown that i was getting dizzy. My head was about to burst.
I realised that day that we were onto something different, something very special compared to my previous experiences – which i rate just as highly, only different…I want to thank all of the women i have been fortunate to be with in my life, i have wonderful memories, i enjoyed every moment. But i wasn’t mastering anything. Now i was starting to discover a new potential. In me. In Union. And in Love, because without that decision, on my sofa, to love this woman, none of this would have happened.
Since then, we made love many times. Sometimes, we both agree, we were making love on a whole new level, the energy between us was radically different, on some higher plane than what we had previously experienced, which was already an “enhanced” version of our previous love-making.
I somehow didn’t realise, though, until today that is. That what we were doing, was actually happening on a spiritual level way more than on the physical. It was a spiritual encounter, a spiritual experience.
Sex without intimacy is a disaster of sadness & loneliness. Sex without connection & love is not worth “having”…it really has you.
Tantra seems to have its definitions all over the place, and no one can give me the same explanation of what it is. In fact, after years of wondering, i still cannot say that i have much of a clue as to what it means. But i do know this: it is about Consciousness, and not about sex.
When the reason for having sex is sex, you have a problem.
When sex is merely a consequence of true deep love, with an open, vulnerable, intimacy, where both Lovers know they can show themselves completely and be received, then you start to have something interesting. Something priceless, and, yes, Sacred.
I will add, for you men reading this, that orgasm is not the objective. Neither is ejaculation, and no, they don’t have to go “hand in hand”. It is possible, and i would say desirable, to separate orgasm from ejaculation. I succeeded once, about 20 years ago, totally by accident, so i know it is possible. I just haven’t managed to reproduce that yet – the quest began rather recently, i haven’t been at it for 20 years, not even 20 weeks. And i wish to succeed at this.
So far, i am beginning with “energy” or ‘life force’ retention, meaning i am refraining from ejaculation, even when making love to this amazing woman, whom i am incredibly drawn to. I could come just by looking at her, i love every inch of her body, even every smell. But i must retain this energy; and so i have now managed to keep it for about 5 or 6 weeks. It has been challenging. Bufo helped me calm it drastically on at least 2 occasions recently.
The way i feel now is that, unless i love the woman completely, i cannot make love to her. You’re wondering what ‘loving completely’ means to me. It’s a good question, let’s dive into it because i have no idea what i am going to reply.
It means that a conscious decision was made, to love her. That’s not something you can really take back easily. It could be just attachment patterns & trauma speaking. However, it was also a conscious decision of mine, to love her & accept her. I wanted everything with her, i imagine that my heart still does, even now that she has left me…again.
There were things i didn’t like about her at first. Not fully. I saw them as imperfections, maybe even obstacles to allowing myself to be with her, “forever”. And then i decided : i am in this, i am in this fully, i am in this to love her, as she is.
And i began to appreciate & enjoy almost every part of her, even the things i had previously “drawn out” in my mind as ‘imperfect’. Now i can say that i learnt i could love.
I have come to the conclusion that Love requires a very real, Conscious Decision.
It is easier for me, i don’t have kids to worry about, i am not full of millions of years of DNA telling me i need safety and a provider. I am also not divorced (haven’t married yet). I also have a job i really enjoy, and that offers me a lot of spare time, where i can meet my needs. Gym, music, rest, nature, friends, events, new connections…i am able to take hours or days when i need them.
So it is easier for me to make that decision to love, and to not hold anything back. To make it a cosmic commitment, if you will.
It turns out, also, that when you have a bunch of unhealed pain & trauma from childhood, such as abandonment & rejection, well, you will have to experience that over & over, as the invitation to heal & make it all conscious, is renewed.
Anyway, story short : yes, she had to leave me, because i have a lot to work on still. I needed to see all of these things, and more importantly, to feel them of course.
As of today, i know that all that ‘physical’ was actually strongly spiritual, and meant to be so. It seems i feel different about the whole experience now. I see her as my Divine mirror, who on occasions agreed to let us join into a sort of Unity. If i were to release this life energy in me, it would be to create with her a new life, a new unconditionally loved child.
I am here before you today to express how i feel about her, and our Embrace.
Months ago already, i began to see her as a sculpture. She really is. Unbelievably feminine & erotic in more ways that i can possibly explain. I could stare in awe at her for hours without believing my luck. I could have pictures of her on my wall, and admire them endlessly. If i were the world’s best artist, i would never have been able to create her as perfect & beautiful. This woman is on another level of feminine.
Maybe it’s the paradox in her that makes her such a powerful woman. Never have i met more feminine.
Is it wishful thinking to wish for a woman like this in your life?
And what makes her ‘this woman’ is actually how i see her, how i hear her, how i feel her – how i perceive her. And it came as a Decision. I would love her.
All of her.
We may never ‘meet’ again. But that decision cannot be undone. My heart discovered that it knew how to love her. And so it does.
I’ve heard all sorts of answers to this one. ‘We’re here to be happy’. ‘We’re here to love’.
But, really, why the heck are we here ?
That’s been a big one for me, especially in recent years when i have been questioning a lot of things and…well, you know…when you hit 40 you start asking the hard ones.
Well, believe it or not, i just got it and it was so freakin obvious i can’t believe i hadn’t figured it out sooner. In fact i’m surprised so few people out there have figured it out ! I mean let’s face it, i’m not that smart : there are so many geniuses out there, how come i hadn’t heard this before ? Ok, to be fair, i had heard it once before, only phrased differently and not explained. I totally missed it that time — maybe i wasn’t listening. Here’s what happened : this guy was at a party with his camcorder filming folks, and this other geezer had done Ayahuasca and when asked why we are here he replied ‘The point of living is to live’. I really didn’t get that.
So here it is, at last : the reason we live.
You know how nature evolves, right ? Well, what is that ? What is evolution ? IT IS LEARNING, isn’t it, that’s what evolving is, it’s learning. It’s a form of intelligence : you adapt so you can go on. We humans tend to think we are the best at that, we firmly believe we are the smartest asses around, the kings of the castle. And what is the thickest thing around ? A vegetable — a plant. Hmm, strange then that plants have up to 3 times the amount of genes we do. That means they are 3 times more evolved than we are. If we were to evolve more, would we then evolve into plants ? To me it seems like plants are the smartest thing around. The whole planet lives thanks to them. Life on this planet is plants. No plants no life. Hell you know what, these guys even know how to convert light into food ! How freakin smart is that. Humans have a long way before they can do that with their own body, haha !
So it’s ever so clear : the whole ecosystem is alive because it is learning. Life & evolution are one & the same : without learning you die. If you’re learning you’re alive, if you stop learning you die.
My friends, brothers & sisters, WE ARE HERE TO LEARN. WE ARE NATURE, WE ARE EVOLUTION, therefore we are here to do EXACTLY THE SAME THING AS ANY PLANT OR VIRUS : LEARN ! That’s it ! Nothing more to it, nothing more to know : WE ARE HERE TO LEARN. LIFE IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN.
Since i started taking Ayahuasca i get the impression that i am developing a slight sense of premonition : i have noticed quite often since ceremony 4 that i tend to think of people contacting me just before they do, like a few seconds before and boom it just happens. Could be coincidence, sure. Or it could be scientifically sensible : we are all connected, consciousness is a web, my body’s atoms spin at exactly the same speed in the same direction as yours do, any alteration of them would alter yours, & so on. We are in a matrix, as far as i know that is solid science. More & more people are talking about this 2 dimensional field we are in, and that what we call the 3rd dimension & matter doesn’t really exist, it would be just a holographic projection. Now that all sounds insane at first, but have you ever touched anything ? Nope. The atoms in your body have never touched anyone else’s atoms, not even close. What is an atom anyway ? 99.99999999999% emptiness. The core & the electrons would be 300 meters apart if the core was the size of a football. What we call solid matter is emptiness, an illusion. We’re on a grid, and everything we call ‘form’ is the result of vibration — now where is the source of that vibration ? We and the ‘reality’ we believe we are in is merely vibrating energy, remove the vibration and there is pretty much nothing to speak of. To get the idea, look up vibrating plates with sand on them : depending on the frequency sent into the plate you get all these marvelous patterns or even forms in the sand. Remove the vibration and it’s 2D.
Let me ask you something : when you reinstall Windows does your hard drive remember it has been installed & erased already ?
Are we different ? People get amnesia, right ? People can be brainwashed, right ? Heck we even forget stuff intentionally just because we don’t like thinking about it — denial. There is this disease where blind people don’t know they are blind : that’s right, the part of their computer that is supposed to tell them ‘your webcam is down’ does not function. So when they fail to do something right, like avoid a wall, or manage to read, their computer has to find another plausible explanation : my glasses were dirty, or i wasn’t looking, or whatever…but ‘oh that’s because i am blind’ is simply not a possible answer because there is a missing piece of information. That brain is creating an alternate reality and doesn’t know it. It believes something completely fake is 100% REAL. Now tell me this : how do we know we are not in a 2D matrix immersed in very high def pixels ? How do we know we haven’t lived this life before ? I seriously wonder about ‘deja vu’ : that incredibly strong sensation that you’ve seen this before…some people do indeed foresee tragic events just before they happen, or even years in advance. Could it be that we are just going over it again & again until we get it right ? Yes, Matrix style.
I only know one thing now and it is clear as can be : we are here to learn. The aim is Truth. I’m not certain that Truth isn’t Love. It sounds cheesy, yeah i’m with you, but what is our innate state ? Isn’t it love ? When we are born, are we a manifestation of lies & fear ? Fear is the opposite of Love, not hate. When there is no fear there is only love. An unharmed human is compassion.
Aren’t we here to put a halt to harm, then ? We won’t make this world a better place for anything or anyone without that. We need to get back to our innate state. That is what we are here to learn, i think. Closer to the Truth.
Yann with Ayahuasca 
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