You can bring a horse to the water…

…but you cannot make it drink.

Self sabotage

It has taken me a while but i have now changed my mind on recommending Ayahuasca. In fact, this applies to Kambo, Bufo Alvarius, anything. Basically all of those things where intention is absolutely determining.

My brother, my mother & I all experienced Kambo together a few months ago. While we all got some positive results, they were stronger for my mother than for my brother or I, and my brother possibly got the least. I could be wrong, but i think he used this as an excuse for ‘one step forwards, two steps back’ as far as these medicines are concerned. In fact he probably does not consider Ayahuasca & the like medicine ‘because it does not have the same effect on everyone’. That’s the reason his mind has found to dismiss these things, despite the clinical studies showing the demise of depression, despite the Nobel Prize nominations etc. Then again, he has not tried anything except Kambo, and you can’t really get a rougher ride than that, now can you? What more dissuasion could one need?

I talked with him today and he says he really was hoping for some positive impact from Kambo before he went (there is a huge difference between wanting & hoping!), yet he would never have gone alone and probably would not have gone just with me either, the only reason he came was because my mother agreed to go. After session 1 he pretty much immediately gave up and said he wouldn’t do it again. Luckily, he was persuaded by our facilitator the next day, however he has since decided to never do it again. Anyone surprised so far? Or try anything else for that matter – not anything that might help, at least. That’s right, the mesmerizing peacefulness & zen achieved by my mother after Ayahuasca are no reason to try. My own changes with Ayahuasca & Bufo Alvarius neither. The thousands of testimonies out there neither.

saw branchSo you see, there is a problem here. He was basically persuaded to do himself good, it was not his own initiative nor his own actions that led to him experiencing Kambo. Throw in some stiffness and intolerance towards all the jargon of these ceremonies (references to spirits, Shakras, etc) and you have a recipe for disaster: more of the same old self-sabotage.

And so the result is that today he is on allopathic “anti”-depressants (I call them depressants, as this seems more accurate), he is riddled with pain & symptoms such as eczema, zona and back pain.

You might think that sending over scientific articles on how psilocybin mushrooms cure depression and provide long term peace & calm to those who ingest them could have been a subject of practical interest in someone who said prior to Kambo that they wanted ‘peace & calm’. But, no, ‘that’s not for me’. Indeed, peace & calm is really not for him. I wonder why not.
The same applies to so many other things, all very well documented in the scientific community, of course: DMT, Ayahuasca & LSD all seem to have huge potential in terms of mental health & depression. So does Iboga.

It’s not for you unless you want it. He did not want it but went anyway: he is now worse off, in his opinion, than before. My opinion is that Kambo did to him what it did to me: it opened him up where he was emotionally crippled and his deep unhappiness is now harder to hide. I myself have had some times since then when i went looking for refuge in alcohol, sugar and fried foods. God did it make me sick. I felt like shit, my energy went down, my knee pain started coming back & so did the itch in my foot, and my back felt like it was always on the edge of getting stuck, right on shakra #2, the lower back region. Remind you of anything, brother?
But i stopped drinking. I stopped eating badly. I went & got a massage right away. I started meditating. The tensions started to go away, and after 2-3 weeks i was much better in every way. I did a bit of exercise and even lost a bit of blubber. My knee pain left and the foot stopped itching. Oh, and i did Bufo Alvarius and started feeling alive again, like i could not remember feeling since i was a kid. For more on that experience, see the videos or article on the homepage. That experience changed my life, made me stop alcohol immediately and i don’t even miss it. Haven’t drunk a drop since and i know i will never drink again. No regrets, in fact i am very pleased about it, i feel stronger and know i have done the right thing. Now i need to filter out the shit in my food and stop eating dead food.

self sabotageSo i made a mistake pushing him to do things i thought or knew could help him. Because when the mindset is shit, the mind will always find a way to fool you into continuing on the same shitty track. My brother has great reasons not to try any of these things that have helped others for thousands of years. Science doesn’t matter here, because ‘the effects vary for each person’. It’s hard to argue against that: each person is different and so each person needs different things. Where i was relieved of my anguish, guilt & anger on day 1 of Ayahuasca, others were relieved of their fear of death while everyone else found yet other awakening and/or life-changing benefits. As did everyone who did Bufo Alvarius (Toad Medicine). You usually get what you really yearn for. Kambo didn’t fail you, you failed yourself. That’s my opinion, anyway.
But there you go, the brilliance of our ‘reasonable mind’ at work. The mind really is a fuckery.

I have friends who, i am now rather sure, do not want to heal. Being healthy & fully operational bears way more responsibility than being sick. One of them told me to not talk about cures for his ailments because when i did it hurt his balls.
My mother has tinnitus. I sent her the details for a clinic in Germany with a new proven method that actually helps – that was over 3 years ago, she never called. She complains about being tired. I suggested calling a sleep center, there are plenty near her. She never called. And so on.
People sabotage a lot. I know i do. I am slowly becoming aware of it. And the reason it bothers me so much that my brother does is not just that i care for him and want him to be happy – brotherhood is truly a great & lovely thing, i am blessed to have him – it is also & mostly because it pisses me off that I sabotage. And boy do i get frustrated & angry about that. I know that at the end of the day, it’s mostly about me and things that I need to fix.

Pushing people to help themselves when they don’t want to may well indeed make things worse. And as hard & painful as it is for me to see my mother not help herself and fade back into ultra-negative mode after weeks of positivity & zen following Ayahuasca, i kind of know that i need to let her shoot herself in the foot. Same goes for my brother or anyone else.

I offered 100.000 € on Facebook to anyone who would try Bufo Alvarius and not describe it as the best thing that had ever happened to them. What response did i get? ‘What is that?’.
People can’t even be bothered to google a fucking word for 100.000 €….OR to change their lives.

Fuck them. Fuck you. Fuck me, i’m going to be sodding happy and if you want to waste away then too fucking bad. I am mad. At you, at me, at everyone. I already know i will want to edit this in 1 minute. Screw that, this is my mind right now.


The Experience you are here for : YOU | Bufo Alvarius

Bufo Alvarius

Bufo Alvarius

Imagine someone who has never eaten.
Who has never breathed.
Who has never drank.
Who has never touched water, who has never swam.
Who has never felt the wind, gravity, heat or cold.
Who has never had a body.
Who has never lived.

But YOU have, and your mission is this : to tell this person what all of those things FEEL like…in WORDS.

That is my mission today if you have not yet lived & FELT this unbelievable inconceivable unimaginable Experience that is…hm…the DMT that’s already in you all the time. And i don’t just mean Bufo Alvarius’ 5-meo-DMT, ‘the most potent entheogen on the planet’ according to Terrence McKenna, King of the Psychonauts. I mean Life too. The Experience, mindblowing mindblowing mindblowing, puts you face to face with THE only Truth : YOUR Truth. It removes the complete & utter illusion of the mind, that crazy thing/hamster wheel that has convinced you to not be You. It has distracted You from the Love, it has smothered you in judgement, it convinces you to self-harm & harm others, it connives with the ego to produce sarcasm, drifting you away from the what you were when you arrived here, in The Experience. The Bufo Alvarius Experience does not remove you from The Experience Life, it is the complete opposite. [Dark Side of the Moon playing in the background.] It blows your mind away, quite and absolutely literally, it puts your mind aside to Reunite you with You. Immediately, fully. No escapely. No lies-ly. Truth-Fully.

ONE inhalation, the most important one you will take right after the first you ever did, is all you need to Reunite the sad ungrateful miserable mind-bamboozled shadow-you with The Loving Happy Judgement-free Enthusiastic Life-Hungry Grateful Experience-Loving You.

You want peace & calm ? You want to be free of all the noise in your head ? You want to be free of all the self-sabotage & wasting away ? You want to be free of all that paining judgement ? DO YOU ?

There was a yann before and there is a Yann now. WATCH ME FLY, BITCH ! I AM FREE ! YOU HEAR ME ?!? I AM FRRREEEEEEEEE !!!!
HAHAHA ! And it feels SO FUCKING GOOD. 🙂 🙂 🙂
I soooo SOOOOO MISSED that, you have NO IDEA, MAN.

It is now day 3 and it is still with me at moments. When i am in flow with myself, i feel, FEEL in all my body the great warm energy-light-whatever it is, dunny matter, it feels GRRREAT. I am alive like i cannot recall having ever been. And yet i am sure that i have felt this before. When i was new to this world. When my mind hadn’t filled my head with its lies. I am not my mind. ‘It’s not me, it’s just my mind’ [I Want To Tell You — George Harrison, on Revolver]. I am not judgement. Judgement exists nowhere but in my mind. I am not judgement. That is not Me. I Am Better than that!!! I AM FRRRREEEEEEEEE MOTHERFUUUUUCCCKKKKEEEEERRRRRR HAHAHAHAAAAA !!!! AIN’T NOTHING GONNA STOP ME NOW !!! HAHAHAHAAAAA !!!!!! It WAS ALL INSIDE MY MIND, MAN !!!

I am not fear. That is not me. I am Love. I am fearless. I am Free of judgement. I am Gratefulness. I am LOVE.

I’ll still kick you in the knackers if you bother me, though. Yeah, just thought i’d clear that up. 😉
But mostly it has been my mind bothering me. Now i seem to control it instead of my mind controlling me ! And it FEELS FANTASTIC, MAN !!

Yeah, the ‘MAN’ bit sounds very stereotypic of the Hollywood high junkie, yeah i know, but…you don’t have to care about that. I don’t. It’s just me, and i YELL it out like there is no tomorrow. Guess what ! There isn’t ! There IS no tomorrow, or yesterday, there is only NOW. Right NOW is all there is and that is so clear to me now, oh my god what a RELIEF !!!
Don’t get me wrong, i still worry about things, yes i do worry about my beloved brother, i love him so much, and he, for some reason, chooses still to refuse this Freedom, this Liberation, to himself. I have much trouble understanding why. Is it because i had to leave years ago and he still somehow thinks he has to reject anything from me in order to avoid pain ? Or is it because his mind continues to be in charge and is sabotaging him, like we almost always have ? Our dad & mother both sabotage, although Mum now does it less (Kambo & Ayahuasca), but that has been our environment. I think i might still do it without realizing, but since Saturday 5 December 2015 (my new birthday ?) it feels like my mind is much less in charge. I am aware of some of its tricks. No i am not too tired to go to the gym, FFS ! You don’t fool me ! That is NOT Me, I Am Better than that ! So i went. For hours. This morning i woke up with sore muscles, but somehow almost grateful i could feel them.
On Saturday night i discovered i could “enjoy” cold for what it is : a sensation. It’s part of The Experience. It’s why i am here : to feel, to learn, to learn through Feeling and Experiencing.

My mind cannot teach me anything. My mind has no Truthful source, it cannot teach me anything. ‘The more I learn, the less I know’ [It’s All Too Much – George Harrison, on Yellow Submarine]. My mind can only do one thing : tell me about the illusions it perceives. Not ONE single thing going on in my mind is True. All sounds crazy, eh ? Well, You know what you needs to do, no matter what your mind is telling you right now. Deep down in your heart, you, in all probability, feel in your heart that you are not enjoying life to the full, that you are not living your potential to the max, that you are not as happy and grateful for life and you would like to be…what will be your next step ? More of the same ? Or will you choose to Be You Again, Happy, Peaceful & Calm, Grateful and Loving, Excited to Be here in The Experience ? Why on earth wouldn’t you ? Please leave your mind out of it, do yourself that favour, even if it’s the only one you ever do. Choosing lies over truth makes no sense, no matter who you are or what your mind thinks.

A thought of judgement has arisen. A thought of irritation has arisen. A thought about [fill in the blanks] has arisen. That is the ONLY objective thing to say about our thoughts. There is no Truth to them because they exist only in our minds.
My judgement was just in my mind, it never existed anywhere else. I am in charge, fully in charge, of my own Happiness. And now i have been shown that i had the keys to it all along. And i always will do. What i have now had never been lost, just “hidden” by my mind, my mind the obstacle between me & Me.

People who seem to have lost this haven’t. My dad, ‘a lost soul’ in his words, is not a lost soul. He has simply forgotten who he really is. He has been running away from the Pain instead of embracing it to overcome. We must face our fears. We must go where the fear is. I am going to have to jump off a building, sit in a room full of snakes, dive with sharks, and let big furry spiders walk all over me. Not looking forward to it, i tell you. But my mind used to tell me ‘no, i can’t do that’, and now I tell my mind ‘shut up, of course I can ! And I WILL !’.
Stoopid mind, that thang don’t know shit, dontchano. Shut up & eat ya beans. Hmm the bears & the squirrels…

When i think of what would make me happiest right now, i see my brother’s face at the place i was on saturday, with traces of tears down his face, red eyes, and a MASSIVE SIGH of RELIEF written all over his face, Happiness and Gratefulness gushing out of his every pore. He hugs me and i hug him back, he is so grateful he came & did it, i tell him ‘You did it all by yourself, brother. You did it all by yourself, i didn’t do shit.’ ‘We’ve started to fix Mum, we’ve fixed you, now let’s see if we can convince Dad somehow’, i add. He needs a few days to process it all but he is a New Him and he knows it, it is obvious to all around, as it is obvious about the other people there. Everyone has the same look of relief mixed with Gratefulness and happiness on their face : The Experience begins Here Now. We are Alive for what seems like the first time. I look at my hands & arm and it seems new and Perfect in itself, a feeling of Inspiration to Live and incredible Optimism flows through me, i now know in the deepest of my being that the doors of my Being have been unlocked. I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.

Love and be loved. Be True to Yourself. That is the Only Way.
We are here to be the Best Ourselves we possibly can. That means never letting our mind drift us away from what we Truly Are.


Below you will find :

  • My views just before doing it.
  • A long detailed account…that will give you absolutely no idea what this Experience is like.
  • A short version with much less info
  • A 2 minute summary
  • Various updates along the way. Today, day three, started off amazing, with closed-ey visuals, a Great FEELING flowing through my whole body, and a fantastic optimism.

Just before : (here for the record, but you can skip this one)

Detailed account :

Short version :

Two minute summary :

Day 3 update :